Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
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Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
How about I get 100% off by already being there
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
I believe in serving my children a variety of foods that they won’t eat.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
Guy who doesn’t respect the walkie talkie rules: Ugh, I’m so hungover
Guy who does: rlly 👀? Over
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.