Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
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[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
has anybody else completely lost it or is it
just me and kanye
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
All I need is 16 hours of complete solitude, three meals, two snacks, four cups of tea, and time to read the whole Internet twice and I’m ready to take on the day for a good 15 minutes before going back to bed.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
By Kate Hatos
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.