Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
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Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Do not steal food from the science building!
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
Yes my dude
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey