Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while

me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*

the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*

I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.

Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?

Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.

Boss:…

We are a nation of people who queue, and who know and respect the rules of queuing. This of course goes out the window when we hear “we are opening till number 4”

Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.

I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.

My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂

*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*

[during sex]

her: hurt me

me: there’s only one season of firefly

Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself

This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*

Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away

My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.

God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean

Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually

“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”

If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?

if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital

Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed

We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas

With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?

I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.

Rorschach tests are like so easy. Everything’s either a demon or a butterfly and it’s up to you to decide.

I’m terrified of escalators so I’m taking steps to avoid them

I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s

I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal

My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”

If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.