Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.

Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”

My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard

But only one at a time because quarantine

A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”

My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*

Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”

There are so many tornados in Ohio, the state bird is lawn furniture

If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.

Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.

I was 12.

Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.

[at therapist]

I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible

Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?

I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.

I wished that I won’t die a virgin.

I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.

– a Memoir

[first day as a doctor]

Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?

Old friend: I barely recognize you.

“That’s the look I was going for. “

I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.

Her: why are you covered in egg

Me: I got into a fight

Her: did you win?

Me: yes It was over, easy

[sheriff’s office]

me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition

deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records

me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now

Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.

Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?

These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.

[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?

We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.

Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.

It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.

Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.

Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?

Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.

Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money

that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say

There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.

YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut

I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.

Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?