Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
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I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
[On the phone]
Friend: I have news. Are you sitting down?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
Lol.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs