Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when I go to parties I always bring my own plunger

One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.

Costume idea:

Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.

Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.

Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?

Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.

T:

Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…

Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.

Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you

Husband: well you’re here with me

Me: oh yeah

Husband: and we’re at a funeral

I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter

Hear me out, a q-tip that doesn’t bounce out the trash can when you throw it away…

Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.

me: I put a siren on your car

cop: what’s that soun–

*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*

A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.

Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —

Satan: I have a girlfriend.

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*

Instagram: My life is a party.

Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show

Facebook: My life turned out great!

Twitter: We’re all going to die.

I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.

Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:

My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix

me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all

therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood

me: one sec

5: wow, you look so pretty

Me: thank yo—

5: with your sunglasses on

Me: am I pretty without them?

*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*

5: sure

Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage

Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword

We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.

The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.

If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.

Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.

My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.

I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.

May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans

Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.

We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.