Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
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I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Fact: The reason the giant A380 has an 2nd floor is because, if it didn’t, the people above would fall on the people below. Idiot.
A Canadian pilot was hesitant about landing in the crosswind, so Benny from Maintenance has fixed his plane.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.