Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.

“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.

Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?

If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.

For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.

Him: Do you know what your problem is?

Me: Usually.

Natural selection at its finest

Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.

Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE

job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness

me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage

Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.

If an attacker broke into my house and & I was hiding, all they’d have to do is fart.

I’d giggle and give myself away immediately.

Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,

I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed

Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.

Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around

I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.

One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.

If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach

I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.

My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.

Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.

Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.

*click

If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.

I’m a yapper
I’m a napper
I’m a midnight snacker

“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels

my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…

Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?

A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.

I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”

“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”

-extreme home makeover