Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
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she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Can’t wait for the Olympics to start so the country can be on the same side again
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
starting my period on election day because i’m a true patriot who bleeds for this country
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.