Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
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I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work