Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
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Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
not gonna lie it was a little disturbing to learn that a large amount of the post-apocalyptic jargon in Mad Max / Furiosa is actually just regular Australian slang
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
The dog seemed okay with living in a Jewish household until we scheduled his circumcision
Word of the day:
Auspicious – Adjective – Favorable or suggestive of future success.
Not to be confused with awwspicious, an adjective meaning “suspiciously adorable.”
As in, “That corgi with the rusty knife in his mouth is so awwspicious!”
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
there should be an island full of all the dogs that bit people. could call it Bad Dog Island. and of course we’d send my little sister there too
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.