Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
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thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
Never teaching my kids to “rise above.” Going to teach them to be like Kendrick Lamar. If you’re going to hate, you must commit. Employ visuals. Enlist your neighborhood. Call the NBA. Don’t stop until everyone is dancing and laughing with you
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
I told my son to do something, and he gave me that ugh attitude. My daughter looked at him, “THIRTY SIX hours!” To remind him how long I was in labor with him lmao
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
Today’s the day I’m gonna’ make the onions cry.
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
Escape rooms were invented by introverts. Only they would pay money to leave somewhere in less than an hour.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing