Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
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Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
I’ve left my past behind me so if I owe you money sorry I’ve left it behind me
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
No matter how much Polynesian food you eat, you always want Samoa.
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”