Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
You Might Also Like
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
Stealing hoodies is for amateurs. Steal his car like a real woman.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
My soulmate is probably out there, wondering if there’s life on earth
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
I’m confused about plants
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
Was very impressed with the air and space museum. Was not expecting all the planes. I thought it was just going to be a big empty building based on the name. But I get it now.
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.