Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
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This one takes the trophy 😭😭
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.