Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
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Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.