Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…

My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again

I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.

I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again

[on the phone]

me: i let the cat out of the bag

sis: what??

me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk

sis: oh phew

me: then i spilled the beans

sis: what?!

me: …all over the floor at dinner

sis: omg ok

me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye

One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.

If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”

For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”

Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.

I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on

Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁

I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.

[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?

[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]

Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas

Date night is paying someone $120 to have fun with your kids so you can argue with your spouse in peace.

*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING

*wakes up due to construction noise*

*tosses and turns all pissed off*

*finally decides to get up*

*construction noise stops*

Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.

My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.

My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.

If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.

Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.

My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.

Me: 🙂

Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it

Me: 😐

Facial recognition: noooo?

Me: 🤨

Facial recognition: no

Me: 😒

Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no

Me: 🥴

Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE

Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music

Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON

Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…

“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room

Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.

Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now

“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night