Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
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me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
I remember reading an article about how Somali pirates had fallen on such hard times that their luxury cars were getting repossessed and all I could think was that a Somali repo man who takes cars back from pirates must be the toughest bastard on planet Earth.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in