@kelkulus

Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.

Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.

- @kelkulus

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@Arrogant_Twat

Tell someone you love them today, because life is short.
But shout it at them in German, because life is also terrifying and confusing.

@sulkywhitegirl

I like how my autocorrect changes “hun” to “Hun,” like I’m playfully referring to my girlfriends as barbarous 4th-century European nomads.

@rushoffailure

“Study: Child dies in portable pool every 5 days” SOMEBODY HELP THAT DAMN KID

@Book_Krazy

Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage

Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break

@pungodly

Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.

@kirsthalliwell

Has anybody ever actually gotten salmonella from eating raw cookie dough or are people just trying to stop me from living my life???

@rebrafsim

[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages

@murrman5

“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?

@pilau

god: make a giant mouse

angel: okay

god: with a baby carrier on it

angel: wh- why

god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff

angel: [nervously] what stuff

god: [hits joint] boxing