Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
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Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
taking June’s advice to heart
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.