Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
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In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify