Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
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if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
47 years ago today, Soap debuted.
We don’t talk enough about how brilliant and underrated this show was.
This scene. 😂😂😂
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
jesus, what did this guy do
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
One building was torn down by a wrecking ball, another building was bulldozed. They were razed differently.
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.