Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
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It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”