Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
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I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
If you drink enough tequila you’re just an open bar for vampires
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
wish this weren’t a scam text. would love to go
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
This lady in my bowling league was just hammering strikes and someone asked her “what kind of performance enhancers did you take before this” and she just says “Applebees Wings” and then just blows another strike right down broadway
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.