Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
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You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
My 4yo was struggling to put his shorts on this morning. I went to help him, pulled the waistband up, and an alarm clock flew out the leg hole
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
