Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
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“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
Put a ring on it
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin