Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.

Buddha: all life is suffering

Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes

The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.

the word: Mildew

my brain: Mother In Law Dew

Date: Are you winking or blinking?

Cyclops: I do not know.

just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio

The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.

it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift

Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.

I found a message in a bottle. It said:

“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”

i shaved my chupacabra for this?

To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts

[My death bed]

*loved ones sobbing*

Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.

How it started How it’s going

[Arriving at party]

Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?

Me: I was told “infancy dress”.

Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!

Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any

gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope

Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.

So, teardrop tattoo it is.

if i honk at this person maybe it will make them a better person

Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player

Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married

Interviewer: and you?

Me: distracted her husband with an interview

New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.

Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9

Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @

Me: DAMMIT

A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.

[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man

[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?

*[at the sperm bank]*

I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.

KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that

William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.

Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.

Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.

Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.

Microsoft word: “I’ll do anything to enhance your writing and editing experience, just ask”

Me: “I’d like to add comments to footnotes”

Microsoft word: “eat shit!”