Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards

cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok

[ day 2 of self quarantine ]

me: i’m bored

my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe

For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.

TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:

1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie

No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.

I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.

the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses

Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.

Get it together, toddlers.

where’s Godzilla when we need him

My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”

Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.

I won every single event.

Every. Single. Event.

PRIEST: *cry laughing

ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk

MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi

Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”

One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”

“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner

fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information

me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce

TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.

*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*

I asked my grandma if she had a hard time moving to nyc from Poland as a teen & going to hs in bk knowing 0 English, & if ppl didn’t wanna be friends w her, etc. & she held my shoulder & looked me in the eyes & said, Austyn. I was gorgeous. Everyone wanted to be my friend

18 is TOO young to get married!

You can’t even buy booze at 18!

If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?

I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.

I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store

Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.

Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.

Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.

We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.

Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team

oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving

Eight minutes into dinner date and I’m out of knock knock jokes.

HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.

ME: Show me {moves closer}

HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}

ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.

Server: Have you dined before?

Me: Have I d- like in general?

Server:

Me: Yeah. Yes.