Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.

i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t

Im sick of the microsoft authenticator like who would be logging in to do my work? Tf 😭😭😭😭

If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude

I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,

“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”

It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.

“What are you doing tonight?”

Gonna smoke some Herb.

“Nice.”

-guys who work in a crematorium

Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.

My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter

my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist

Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”

Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.

her: wanna come over

me: can’t i’m at an office party

her: ur self-employed

me: and having a great time

How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin

Them: are you busy right now

Me: (just laid down) yes

She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*

My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.

A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.

I hope my company doesn’t😂😂

🖤✌🏽

Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…

“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”

8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.

Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.

I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.

I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”

Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?

Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.

“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.

I’m currently on a really effective diet called “I only have twenty dollars until payday”.

I really miss my family

sized bag of peanut butter m&ms

Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.

Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.