women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
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Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
(after sex)
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