Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.

[8 months later]

Ok, I’m back.

Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.

[Calling the police]

“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”

“Stay calm.”

“Yes, that’s him!”

[trying to impress date]

Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.

Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*

the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:

While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.

Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.

Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport

I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them

Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open

Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.

It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in

Hey dude that invented the unicycle…

Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle

i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert

[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat first

Him: omg this is cray cray

Me: ok that was easy

*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers

Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.

Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day

Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot

No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me

Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.

FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok

[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope

When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.

Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.

*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?

~How my send button should function

You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.

Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.

You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?

Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.

I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her