Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.

I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.

By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.

Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.

7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?

Me: I don’t know.

7: I thought you went to college.

Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.

I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”

If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?

Date: I like guys who are sensitive

Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth

Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?

Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!

911: Have u tried looking in her house?

Turtle: oops never mind.

Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado

Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.

I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.

a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen

Revenge is a dish best served by cutting a sandwich horizontally instead of diagonally

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.

ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books

Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to

I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then

I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.

me: we need to go to the ATM machine

thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot

me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine

WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit

ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?

8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.

Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*

This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.

Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice

Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO

I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate

“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak

“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus

CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:

The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.

AI is trained on what we write, so if we want to save our jobs we should all write really badly for a while. I’ve been doing my bit for years.

Gonna end every insult with “but in a good way”