Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
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A Harris-Walz ticket would be a disaster for proper usage of apostrophes in this country.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
I’d use my best pan on you.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
Our dog knows way too many phrases now, so my husband and I have resorted to talking like Victorian nobility to get anything by him. “Have you taken the dog on a brisk adventure recently? Would you escort the canine to the backyard, forthwith? Has he supped yet?”
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
Me irl
