Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.

One of them is lying.

I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.

[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahaha

Colonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?

Me: Yeah why?

Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now

No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.

CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window

Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”

The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.

*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives

If I had a nickel for every bread pun, I’d have a pun-per-nickel.

Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?

we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”

“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”

ME: What do we want?!

“TIME TRAVEL!”

ME: When do we–oh

I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.

My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats

You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:

Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.

Them: if you could be any animal wha-

Me: rotisserie chicken

WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:

•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.

I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!

Said by nobody.

Ever.

Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech

What’s this sorcery? 😂

Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.

Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.

why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?

me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood

my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams

GOD: This one is a giraffe.

ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-

GOD: They have no vocal chords.

ANGEL: Dude… come on

Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.

The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it until you’re about to die and then eat an apple

🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?

ethics professor: ur failing my class

me: [slides over $20] how about now

If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter

i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses