Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
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Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
good morning
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
My wife has us watching so many crime documentaries, I swear I’ve seen a drone shot of every small-town water tower in America.
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
mom had nothing to worry about
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
The 6 types of sex
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
o shit
oh no, steve’s working tonight
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.