Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.

Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.

Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.

[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you

Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.

I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.

Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while

I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies

husband: we need to get your ring insured in case there’s a fire or tornado

me: but what if the tornado wants to use my ring to propose to his tornado girlfriend

husband:

once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3

Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]

Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go

Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!

The toilet seat moving unexpectedly has to be the scariest shit that can happen to you where you’re in absolutely no danger whatsoever

I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.

A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong

OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT

[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]

“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”

The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind

Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.

It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.

superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling

batman: dude, you can fly…

superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder

batman: what

I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.

I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.

*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*

alfred: you have lung cancer

batman: how?

alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations

batman:

alfred:

batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*

alfred: sir, no

Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.

[creating seahorses]

God: give em little horsey faces

Angel: aww cute

God: fish lookin bodies

Angel: ok…wait, really?

God: curly-cue tails lol

Angel: this is confusing

God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch

Angel:

God: POP

Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.

All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income

Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto