Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.

If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.

[staring up at the sky]

ME: what does that cloud look like to you?

11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category

ME: well I see a corn dog

ME: my dog ate my homework

TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good

I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse

The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.

[invention of blue cheese]

“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”

ㅤ

The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.

Squirrels: 1,538

My dogs: -17

Women aren’t hard to read

For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out

You’re done bro

[Conditioning my hair in the shower]

Me: *rings bell*

My hair: *salivates*

tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like

[gun shop]

ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?

CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal

ME: Ok

CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately

Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.

Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough

5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.

Me: What???

5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.

My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new

My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.

It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.

Some people say the key to a successful marriage is communication, but it’s actually keeping your mouth shut when they send you anything from the Internet that you already saw two weeks ago.

In 1949 a US senator attempted to ban popcorn in cinemas. During a Senate hearing about it, another senator handed out free popcorn. The law was never passed.

Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.

I bet Santa has 3 lists now:

Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.

NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said

I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.

me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway

them: uno

me: no i don’t

You better wish for more oil

The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.

I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.