Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
You Might Also Like
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
“you have to sleep when the baby sleeps” but that’s when i go through the baby’s phone ???
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
High school field trip, I caused a panic when visiting a World War One trench in Ypres. Stood on something metallic that crunched under my foot. Refused to move. People panicked that I had stood on an old land mine. Cue police, firefighters, army, bomb disposal. It was a Coke can
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
My husband ordered takeout tonight from a place that previously ignored his note about pickles so he tried to make it stand out.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
taylor swift should write a song about people who don’t return their shopping carts to the corrals
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.