Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got ya covered

I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful

FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.

[rooster sits down in barber chair]

Give me a cockadoodledo

How to open new toy:

1. Cut tape with machete.

2. Take shot.

3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.

4. Take 3 shots.

5. Watch child play with box.

Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!

i said it was my favourite show, i didn’t say it was good

Hard not to take this personally

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.

I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.

nurse: height

me: 6’4″

nurse: weight

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me: wait for what

[i get back from the supermarket]

wife: did you forget about dre

me: nope

wife: did you remember the alamo

me: yep

wife: did you get the eggs

me: goddammit

Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.

Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.

I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂

My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.

Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?

Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin

I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment

Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering

#BatmanvSuperman

No, you hang up first.

Me to Pizza Hut

I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.

Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.

Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*

*eat the good cheese

goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles

In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”

He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”

Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.

Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*

Yoda: *dies and fades away*

Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.

Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.

I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.

Dear autocorrect,

I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.

Quit your shit.