Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
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Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas