women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
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[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
My ideology is to stay away from people with ideology.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
Putting the humidifier on high because I have guests coming over and I don’t want them to know how dry I live.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
Obsessed with when babies see a younger baby and say “baby!” Like girl, ur the Spider-Man meme right now
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
Google Maps should start screaming the more wrong turns you make
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
I don’t know what I’d do if a pen leaked in my mouth. I dread tooth ink.
As a parent on vacation, the absolute dumbest thing you can do is let the kids stay up late, assuming they’ll sleep in. Ask me how I know.
Check your privilege
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?