Women: When
are you leaving?Men: In the morning.
W: Yeah but what time.
M: Morningtime.
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I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
Batman: I’m afraid of bats
Superman: I’m afraid of soup
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
don’t let anyone tell you, you can’t do something. show them you can’t.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
me: I’m not the stepfather, I’m the father that stepped up
wife: they’re your biological children and you don’t have to say that every time you climb a flight if stairs
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?