Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?

BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?

ME: no, it’s a Civic

Monday: *exist*

Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*

my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎

My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.

I’ve been experiencing nonstop targeted ads for Spanx, and Skims, and various other types of girdles, so which AI engineer woke up and chose violence today?

I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.

Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.

even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’

boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am

me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]

boss: [declines]

50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED

NED

50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT

NED

ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME

Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.

[visiting America]

Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?

America: sure is

Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch

America: lmao nope

[At check-out] *gets out credit card*

Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?

Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.

Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.

I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.

My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada

Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.

I hate avocados

*gets kicked out of California*

I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.

The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.

I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.

GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.

How it started How it’s going

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.

why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs

The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.

My parents just called.

M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.

ME: You should watch it from the beginning?

M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.

ME: Okay.

M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?

<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?

me: no

Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?