Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.

What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best

*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work

Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.

me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.

[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that

“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.

I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.

“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP

A roof is a house hat.

Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”

GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually

how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest

Woman on the mom forum wants to start a weekly play date club (good idea!) and another woman chimed in:

“Is it so you can steal information about women’s husbands so you can cheat with them, like how you cheated with mine?”

And now my Sunday just got MUCH more interesting!

I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.

“Living well is the best revenge.”

Alexa, what is the second best revenge?

I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.

my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?

Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.

I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.

Compromise.

You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.

Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?

Aaaaaand tweet.

If you pull this stunt in front of me at security stg I’ll call the cops

*Food arrives*

*Waits 3 days*

*Slowly takes bite of food*

*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*

HOW IS EVERYTHING??

Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision

I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.

She’s still answering it.

Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”

[filing for legal name change]

Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?

Me: I was owned pretty badly on line

Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs

Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.

So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive