Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
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Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
There’s no such thing as Sasquatch
Those are just men who live with shedding cats
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
just having fun
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
Friend in Austin was at a bar and saw this.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
[making small talk with a new parent] so are you planning on raising them good or bad?
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
When your child makes a full inventory of their Halloween take so they can tell if they are being robbed by a family member.
My daughter was asking where her plastic katana was and when she found it, held it up and said “it’s poorly made but it’ll do”
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*