Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
You Might Also Like
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
I’m going to start walking around in my yard all day in a bathrobe so my neighbors will build that privacy fence I always wanted.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
I went to an antique auction. Three people bid on me.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.