Women who get kidnapped while jogging: you’re not jogging fast enough

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When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.


A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌


I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.


Bat 1: do you think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?

Bat 2: (startled) who said that


SATAN: Turn these stones into bread


SATAN: Turn them into raspberry swirl cheesecake

JESUS: [clenching eyes shut] No


“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.


Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.



Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns


Me: I want to-

Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!

Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!

Boss: Ok good. Go on

Me: I want to stop working here


Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?

God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.

Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.