“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
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imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
lmao
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
I think we should hear other voices.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!