Women who get kidnapped while jogging: you’re not jogging fast enough

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Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?

Priest: We’re in Church!

Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.


Pretty woman wouldn’t have been as sweet of a love story if we saw all the times she sucked c**k for money weeks prior.


Hitman: Hey what’s up

Me: My neighbor parked in front of my house again


Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”


Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.


Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?


[On phone with Pizza Hut]

Me: I texted my order 4 hrs ago!
PH: Are you sure you didn’t tweet it…again?
PH: Sir?
Me: K. Love you. Bye.


[First day as a detective]

Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever

Murder suspect:

Me: never have I ever shot a guy


Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*

Suspect: dude stop

Me: *mouthing* ???? ? ???


You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!


Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!

Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?

Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.