women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
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Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
we don’t understand the earliest recorded jokes from ancient mesopotamia because we lack necessary context. what if there’s a guy in 4,000 years like “my theory is they had specially trained shrimp that did all of the rice frying”
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.