women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
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Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
Person: What’s your handicap?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t golf.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
keeping a picture of my bed in a locket around my neck and staring at it longingly on my lunch break
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.