Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love when my cat sighs at me, like what’s got you stressed out my little freeloading homicidal maniac

Friend – Your grammar is horrible.

Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth

Wait, there’s a big difference.

Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?

I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.

“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.

Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.

It means I’m a parent.

Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.

Me: hey, I like your tummy

Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets

If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.

She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.

She starts the blender reluctantly.

In the distance, screams.

The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.

*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL

people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important

I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: [snoring]

Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]

[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?

DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p

ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia

I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.

An escape room, but it’s just your high school reunion.

I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary

My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough

my proudest tweet

gave a tox lecture and i made a funny joke and one of students says “haha my friend told me about this joke when you made it for his class last year”

omg my worst nightmare the students are finding out i reuse my jokes noooooo

I giveth and I taketh away because I recycleth.

The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.

i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)

I’ve seen:

•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo Dragons

But nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.

Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?

Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed

For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-

Order a “quickie”

then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”

ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile

CELLMATE: no

The key to being remembered isn’t delivering some big all encompassing piece of wisdom, my grandpa taught me that pinching the tail of a shrimp helps you get all the meat out and now he briefly lives again each time I go shrimp mode (happens a lot)

I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.