Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
You Might Also Like
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff