Me (waiter): Say when
Her (horrified): WHY ARE YOU TRIMMING YOUR BEARD INTO MY SALAD
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
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Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
this toddler on the bus said “the wheels on the bus go round & round” & this guy yelled back “no shit Sherlock” & I can’t stop clapping?
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
Boy at FBI headquarters saw pictures of 10 most wanted men & said, “Why didn’t you keep them when you took their picture?”
Psychologist: Go to your happy place.
Me: *grabs car keys*
Psychologist: Where are you going?
Me: The liquor store.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?