Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished

me: how was your camping trip

5 y/o: good

me: what’d you guys do

5 y/o: camped

Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want

Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters

At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.

You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.

I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit

But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once

How to keep the seat next to you empty.

*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*

Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.

Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner

I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.

Only the dog is happy about this.

2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it

I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing

So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns

me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder

her: lol like what

me: well, most of its grandmas

her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see

I’ve been watching ER and was like “wow they never wrap up any storyline. How unique. It must be to reflect how it really feels to be an ER doc, you never know what happens to your patients.” Anyway, just realized 5 eps in Hulu was cutting episodes off 7 minutes early.

me: i just saw a huge rat

starbucks employee: what

me: sorry i just saw a venti rat

employee: omg where

I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.

Doritos – my own personal love triangles.

Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.

Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best

He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan

I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.

Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming

Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm

I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”

I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”

I think my husband is beginning to suspect

Wife: I find him very patronising.

Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.

Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.

Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.

So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.

Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people

Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.

“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”

-Revolving Doors

therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now

me: ok rank us