Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
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beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
When your best mate counts as a desk too
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
“the angry hot sky ball is gone…”
🖤🤣
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month