Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
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Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
It’s on my to-do list.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
“Done the ad yet?”
“Yes, it’s already up.”
“Great. And you remembered the names of all the dinosaurs?”
“More or less”
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily