Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
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sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
Previously On Persistence 😎
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
no!! no!!!!!!
