Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
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It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
Let us remember him by his own last words: “Homemade jetpack, don’t fail me now.”
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED