Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
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gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
July is so long that it feels like August is avoiding us
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
You know what’s going to happen and it’s still funny every time 😂
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
Mad Max: Furry Road
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday