women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
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Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
I’m putting together a team
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
*me brushing my daughter’s hair
my watch: are you working out?
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
I just found a little piece of waffle in my pocket in the event you’re attracted to mysterious men
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
Show me on the doll where the sandwich hurt you
