women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
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wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
bro what is going on at twitter
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!