women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
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Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything