women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
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Mom says she’s watching a video about dating fossils.
I wonder if that’s how she met Dad?
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
we should be able to doordash someone a snowball to the face. like tis the season biatch.
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
Meteorologist: It’s going to get even hotter.
Me [on fire]: HOW
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
long lost
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
Our doorbell is broken so we called someone over to fix it. He might be here already. There’s no way to tell.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
✌️
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be poor this Christmas
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted