Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it

2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |

I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.

“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon

Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar

#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?

I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.

– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house

Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes

Avocado pits are exceptionally useful, in some unexpected ways.

I once smuggled an avocado pit in my prison wallet when I had to go to jail for a bit.

Three days later. I carefully removed it then artfully carved a lockpick out of it. When I was caught a week later in Florida, I refused to tell them how I’d escaped. The sheriff who drove me back to prison told me I had balls.

If only he knew the truth.

10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.

were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal

Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.

Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?

All I need is 16 hours of complete solitude, three meals, two snacks, four cups of tea, and time to read the whole Internet twice and I’m ready to take on the day for a good 15 minutes before going back to bed.

@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.

I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.

Alexa turn off the planet

Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?

-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut

Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.

If Windows Updates was a person, it would be that one neighbour who won’t stop talking to you at the most inconvenient of times.

Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.

Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]

Me: Was this product tested on animals?

Clerk: Yes.

Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!

Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.

Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes

Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom

[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no

I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.

Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.

safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee

very niche meme I made

A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground