women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
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Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
telling myself i’m too self aware for therapy as i repeat a pattern of behavior i’ve been trying to break since age 14
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
i tried to clean up my chrome tabs but it turns out all 200 of them contain information that is vital for my survival
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
Mmmm. Shoeshi
my babysitter let my kid make 11 milkshakes and now there are an absurd amount of boys in the yard. You better believe I’ll have my wife say something.
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk