women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
You Might Also Like
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
it looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
me: i need to make a follow up appointment
receptionist: ok how about 10 next tuesday
me: no i only need one
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?