Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
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I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
ME: It’s a zoo where we only have two of each animal. I’m calling it Noah’s Park.
BANK MANAGER: Get out!
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
Rambo Rambow
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
The cool thing about ignoring a notification is being surprised to see it over and over again
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
“Why you watching this shit?”
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
Never go to sleep after making me angry
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.