Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
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he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
A patient buying cigarettes from his hospital bed, 1950s
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
You brake checked me? My baby is car-seatless rolling around the floor like a water bottle, and you brake check me?
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
This is what happened. I hit the scorpion emoji by accident which made it go into my frequent emojis & it was very hectic & I wasn’t paying attention & most of my texts to people yesterday ended with a scorpion by mistake instead of a heart. Anyway. Sorry about all the scorpions
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.