Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
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It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
Tony Hawk, age 6
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
“What?”
– Jude
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
Apologizing after bumping into a mannequin is embarrassing, but apologizing a second time is significantly worse when the mannequin moves and you realize you just said “sorry, I thought you were a person” to a live human being