Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
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Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
My cat is like a shitty Roomba that picks up all the dirt off the floor, but then just deposits it onto the carpet.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
the clam before the storm
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
why would tinder want me to say this
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store