Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
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Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
jacob when he finds out that his love interest is bella’s literal baby
Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.
Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
Sorry, I liked your tweet one second after you posted it but in my defense, I’ve had my phone in my hand since 2012
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home