Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
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Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
u spoke cat all this time??????
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
(from the bottom of a well) is this the trap
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
You didn’t get fired, your job “fumbled you”
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
I don’t know who to tell this to but I noticed that chips are less broken than before. Getting a lot of large chips in the bag these days. So whoever is doing that thank you
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.