Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
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Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
Spotify: enjoy the next 30 minutes commercial free
Also Spotify: we have no concept of time
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.