Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider

Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.

Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.

Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.

My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go

A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood

dating apps never work for me because i need at least two years of friendship charged with weird sexual tension to even consider falling in love

cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED

Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?

Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.

F.Y.I. You pee on a jellyfish sting not a jelly stain.

Again my apologies to the lady at the IHOP this morning.

Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees

[In Court]

Does the Defense have any last words?

*defense rises* DE-FENSE

*Judge holds up picket fence*

DE-FENSE

*Jury starts The Wave*

If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.

I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.

I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.

I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive

[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were here

pizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less

Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.

I weighed myself today,

then I ate the scale.

Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”

him: I’m gonna kill you

me: oh no

him: with kindness

me: awww

him: kindness is my pet wolf

me: oh no again

“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journey

Punching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King

opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are

[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?

Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.

[the afterlife]

Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!

Angel: *chuckling*

Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.

I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.

If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.

Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.

Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.

My kids: What’s a telephone cord?