Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.

iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep

*next morning*

iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off

HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan

I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?

A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream

I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.

Me: that curry was delicious. What was in it?
Hannibal Lecter: it’s a family recipe.
Me: Can I get a spoon to finish off the sauce?
Hannibal: Just mop it up with your nan.

If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit

I love salt. What does it even feel like to have too much sodium??
*eats one Slim Jim*
Oh.

My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice

How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.

This kinda thing happens to me often

I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal

My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day

My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.

told my gf that i’m “really into getting itchy lately” and that i am “low key in my itchy era” but it turns out i was having an allergic reaction

[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name

Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.

His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble

Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?

Two things I learned this weekend are:

1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.

2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.

A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..

Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.

Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”

Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling

One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies

Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves

Navy recruiter: Get out

Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.

DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.

Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.

Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now

I don’t have a welcome mat at my front door bc I’m not a liar.