Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat

Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.

i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching

Parents: Your room is a mess.

Me: You really need to see my life.

This sounds bad:

People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.

I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”

[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]

SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?

My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.

Rejected Candy Hearts:

– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free

[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!

To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.

The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.

Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop

What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?

Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.

Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.

[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine

If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started

I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank

Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?

7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting

When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.

Wife: Go out for breakfast?

Me: Sure!

Wife: Ok, let me shower first.

*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*

Me: Where should we have lunch?

we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds

If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.

When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.

Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia

In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:

1) Going on vacation

2) Taking my family

Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.

Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!