Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
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The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
this has to be peak English
I remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. He shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
I try not to tweet when I’m happy…because I respect you guys and what we do here.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
Hear me out: WrestleVania
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
Phones down.
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.