Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
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one thing i can’t get over about the quiet place movies is how these monsters are attracted to the sound of a pin dropping but they make the craziest loudest noises at literally all times. how do they not spend all their screentime chasing their own tails
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
Starting all my work emails today with, “to whom it’s about to concern”.
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”