Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]

*you’re

Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?

Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?

[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”

My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs

So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer

Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials

After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?

You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.

One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”

My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging

Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.

Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell

[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this

Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.

When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.

Me watching any ad in 2024: How is this ad an ad for the thing it’s an ad for?

Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.

homeless guy: change?

me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….

“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”

[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]

Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic

To Do List While in Jail

1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.

I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?

Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.

I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.

Does anything good ever escape from a lab

There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.

Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win

Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.

*Getting pulled over*

Me: I knew we should have Uber’d

My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool

My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁

When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos

Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.