Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ

Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.

This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.

KID FREE for DAYS!

So I licked her face.

Angel: Awww babies are so cute!

God: Make them scream

Angel: W-why?

God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?

During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive

“Password is incorrect”

*resets password*

“New password cannot be the same as the old password”

I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”

friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?

me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.

Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.

*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year

“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”

I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.

I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.

Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.

I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.

Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born

[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.

I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.

Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”

A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit

imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”

I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.

If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.

Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids

[married convo]

Her: Hey, babe…guess what?

Him: What?

Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.

Him: You need me to do laundry?

boss: i’m always so impressed by you.

me: awww, wow thanks. why?

boss: bc you show up & do your work.

me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.

5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.

*pushes their faces together*

Me: Did they kiss and make up?

5: No. She headbutted him.

Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.

Money is the root of all wealth

Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.

Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.