Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A bear went into a bar.

“I’d like a whiskey…….

and coke.”

Bartender asks “why the long pause?”

Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.

Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety

My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.

Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar

On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.

Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.

Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.

This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.

I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.

They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor

The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.

I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄

Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.

They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.

took a gummy earlier and I’m sitting outside. The same bush to my left has scared the shit out of me at least 4 times over the last 20 minutes.

Direct deposit: $1,400

Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*

I took my dog for a walk last night and forgot something at home: the dog. I forgot the dog. Menopause is fun.

I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again

ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!

If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.

” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information

[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya

[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]

PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”

I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.

People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.

And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.

An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough

Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.

Someone in the line at the gas station just now told me I had pretty hair, so I said thank you while laughing nervously and flipping it, hitting them right in the face. Let. Me. Die.

FB: you have memories to look back on

Wine: i’ll take care of this