Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.

Husband: *gently taps me on the shoulder before l’ve had my first cup of coffee*

Me:

I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”

Then when people ask me what it means…

Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”

My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.

My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?

Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.

Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.

Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup

riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”

lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL

others: LOL

I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.

Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.

Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.

women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there

Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.

A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.

The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant

[in bathroom stall]

Me: …

Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall

Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…

If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.

And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories

On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.

Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time

Hey girl, do you like bad boys?

[drinks milk from carton]

Or REALLY bad boys?

[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]

happy 100th birthday caesar salad!! may we all celebrate this day by stabbing a politician

Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?

I AM the Illuminati.

Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed

Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid

The joke is on this spin class instructor.

My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.

Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0

Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station

I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit