Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
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The answer is funnier than the question
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”